You can have all this world, just give me Jesus

Tonight and tomorrow we are attending a conference at our church. The conference is supposedly going to be about "a culture of honor" which is some radical concept that changed this church out in California (some Bethel church) and brought about this crazy revival there. Basically, I think our church is trying to mimic whatever happened to them. Think lots of crazy antics and super-spiritual, hyper-enthusiastic people. I am doubtful that this is the best sort of event for me to attend in my current frame of mind, but as usual, I am just going to put my head down and go with the flow. I will just stifle all my doubt and irritation and act like I am somewhat "into it" as usual. I just feel like the better place for me at this point in time, would be more along the lines of a silent retreat. I just really need the time and space to figure out what I think, without the pressure of hundreds of other people around me, including my closest friends, urging me to "let the Spirit move me," etc. It just feels like such a production.

I keep hoping that maybe I will suddenly come upon the missing piece that will answer all my questions and doubts, and that perhaps, just maybe, this conference will be it. But the problem is that I keep pinning my hopes on things like this and then they disappoint me, leaving me even more befuddled than before. When am I going to finally hit the bottom of this doubt? Will I believe in anything anymore? How angry and ugly will I be by then? Is there a bottom? I had been so convinced that if I just devoted this Lenten season to figuring out my issues with God, I would come to some good, solid conclusions and ultimately feel so close to Jesus once again.

I was sure it would be one of those things where I would instantaneously be reunited with him and feel amused by the fact that I had ever doubted, if I only committed myself to something like this. On the contrary, I feel like I am pushing myself farther and farther away by addressing the problem. It's the way I feel when my husband and I fight and there is no resolution, only greater distance between us. This is really not what I wanted. I need some kind of magic bean to make me believe again and turn everything back the way it was.