Dazed and confused

Today I am feeling much better than I was on Saturday. I went back to our church for the first time in three weeks yesterday and was reminded of all my confusion. Everyone is so convinced that anything that could possibly interpreted as movement by the Holy Spirit to, in fact, be the Holy Spirit. It is like a free-for-all. If you feel God "giving you a word" or "telling you" to do something, whatever you say or do will make other people respect you more and think you have this great connection with God.

For a while we were in a House Group (which is like a devotional or Bible Study), and at that time I was feeling much "closer" to God. Occasionally, when we were praying or singing I would get the desire to say something based on an intuitive feeling I was having, and when I did everyone would be so touched and impressed by what I said. For example, one time I said I had an image of the couple who we were praying for walking down a hallway with many doors open to them and then reaching one that they ultimately walked through. How generic is that? It simply evokes many Jungian symbols and images, inspiring a sense of meaning. After the prayer session, the wife told me that my particular "picture" was the most meaningful for them, but even while I was telling them about it I felt like I was just making it up. Periodically, people would tell me that everything I said (things that I usually felt were extremely cynical, like "God, I don't know if you are there right now, but...") really resonated with them. I was only being honest and at times forcing myself to relay images and thoughts that I did not entirely trust myself. At one point, someone told me that they really felt like I had a "gift for prophecy" or something like that.

Then I have heard the pastors at our church talk about how you have to "practice" hearing God. Like you just say whatever you feel him telling you and some of it will be true and some of it won't. Supposedly, this practice will be fine-tuned until you are eventually relaying information that is mostly from God. I know people are not perfect and that there are even examples of Jesus redoing miraculous stuff in the Bible, but this just makes me uneasy. I feel like the same stuff could be said of fortune-telling. In fact, I feel like I could use my current skills and be a fabulous mystic. It doesn't feel very Christian or spiritual. I am perhaps just good at associating universal symbols with my interpretations of what is going on and then reading people's body language and stories enough to be perceptive. Is this the "Holy Spirit moving"? It feels pretty far-fetched to me. But at our church, anything goes. I feel so alone. Does nobody else feel like it's all fishy?

On the other hand, I am really, really, really ready to just believe in Jesus again, even if he is not real.