She's gotta be strong to fight them

The other thing I have become aware of, mostly during parenting, is how difficult it is to actually love people the way God supposedly loves us. Some fellow mom who happened to be a psychologist told me a couple years ago, when my older daughter was just starting to be naughty, that she did not really believe in discipline. I was pretty horrified, and didn't really like her overly-attached parenting style anyway, but the more I think about it, the more sense the idea makes.

She is also a Christian and her perspective was that we need to imitate God's parenting style. He doesn't really punish us when we are wrong (though my possibly screwed up view of God does include punishment and wrath), but that he does let us suffer consequences. When we make mistakes and fail and hurt others or ourselves or disobey rules, he is always there for us, every single time, ready to forgive us and help us figure things out. (Remember I am saying this because it is ingrained in me because it is what I believed before I started doubting, but it is not necessarily what I believe now.) I have the hardest time being patient with my daughter, even if she is being disobedient just because she is tired or hungry or sick, much less when she is being unkind or rebellious for no good reason. It is actually pretty incredible to picture a being who is infinitely patient and loving with us, ready to take us back and help us do whatever we want, even when we are scratching and hitting and biting him.

Yesterday, after a long, hard, multi-temper-tantrum-filled day with my daughter who happens to have a flu of some sort and who I was being extremely impatient with, she told me, "You don't love me anymore." It was horrible. She wouldn't repeat what she said after the first time, because I hardly heard it and couldn't believe my ears, and asked her to say it louder, but I know what I heard. She is also struggling with jealousy of her baby sister, who gets most of my attention. Anyway, the point of the story is that I still wasn't patient with her--I dragged her upstairs, ripped off her clothes, and forced her to take a bath in water that she deemed "too hot." I don't know why I was having such a hard time being patient with her sickness and exhaustion, but I was. So besides the awful guilt I feel for being so cruel, I also can't really picture a God who would be THAT patient with us. It's very unlikely.