I have not been doing well at the praying end of this plan--though I have been blogging everyday, I have not been praying to God for at least five minutes in order to plead with him to give me clarity and faith, if possible. I worry that if I were doing that part of this plan it would actually be working--my faith would be increasing, and I would be regaining the fervor and love I once felt for Christ and my beliefs.
As it is, I am finding myself farther and farther away from where I was a year ago and closer, in a more specific way, to the place I have felt myself moving for some time. Still, the challenge is separating God from the stark truths of Christianity from Christian culture from my church itself. I can believe and support all of these different entities or I can choose to leave all of them behind. I think it is already clear that I want to say nos vemos to Christian culture as it is, since Christians, as Gandhi so aptly expressed, do not convey the message of Christ.
On the other hand, I love Jesus. I think that the portrayal of him in the Bible is incredible, and I really want to hold on to him and have him be my God. It is the God of the Old Testament that is hard to trust or even want to be associated with--a God who was violently aggressive about his "chosen people," commanding the deaths and torture of thousands of people and randomly choosing a family line to make his inheritors of the world. It doesn't make any sense to me.
Got to go. More later.
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