Homeward bound

It's difficult to care about your faith, much less blogging, when you are trying to take care of a nauseated, vomiting three-year-old who is periodically waking up the screaming 10-month-old sharing the room with her because of her sickness, especially knowing that you are about to spend the night sleeping--if that activity is able to occur--in that same room, before attempting an eleven hour car trip. In general, I think it is hard to care about God at all during this stage in my life. Having to take care of two kids full time with absolutely no peaceful time to myself makes it really hard to be serious about anything. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe this doubt really is just a phase.

I wanted to add to yesterday's blog, however, that I have also realized that I don't want to end my life as my grandfather is ending his--with a crazy, obnoxious spouse, only two children (out of four) who actually care enough to travel to say goodbye to him, a single, solitary friend who actually speaks his native language, and no beauty around him. He has had an incredibly successful life by many standards, but he seems lonely and depressed and inward right now. I keep wondering what he is thinking about. Is he thinking about his beloved baby daughter who has not visited in almost a year and may not even attend his funeral, is he thinking about how much he wishes he could have seen his homeland one last time, is he thinking about his bizarre marriage of so many decades, is he thinking about all the books he has written, or is he just wondering if heaven really exists, as he has been so sure it has his whole adult life? I don't know, and he really won't tell us.

Today I said goodbye to him, and tomorrow I will drive eleven hours north to my home where my husband is waiting for me and my daughters. I will probably never see my grandfather alive again, but I have never felt any real emotional connection to him. In fact, I have probably felt more tenderness from him during his few, confused, waking moments in the past ten days, vicariously through my young daughters, than I have ever felt in my life previously. I am actually very sad to see him go and feel more love and affection for him than ever before. It is confusing.