Two paths

There are two ways to think about my life right now. One, I am supposed to be patiently waiting right now. God is teaching me something. I am being prepared, honed for our future, wherever that takes us. And God knows the desires of my hearts and is going to bless them, beyond what I can even imagine. If I only stop complaining the the Israelites in the desert, and trustingly give him everything--complete control of my life, submitting my will to his--we will live fulfilling lives of joy, service, and meaning, and ultimately arrive at the promised land... which I sure hope is a perfect little bungalow on the beach, surrounded by people we love. This will happen after my husband makes a difference at his job and is fully prepared for our future life, possibly even after he makes a ton of money. This last part in particular (the millions of dollars) is not part of my vision at all, but has been suggested by people at our church, who are fully convinced of the beginning part of this way to think about my life.

And here is number two, the other way you could look at our lives. We are stuck here. My husband happened to get a job that matched his skillset to some degree and which he likes quite a bit. He is an optimistic, enthusiastic, charismatic person who would enjoy and succeed at whatever he set his mind, but this is where he landed. He will now enjoy and succeed at this part. I, his pessimistic, cynical, not-so-"better half" am meanwhile resenting this life, as many wives and mothers throughout history have presumably resented their lack of say in such things, and the fact that it is not at all what I envisioned my/our life/lives to look like. If I was a stronger-willed, domineering, manipulative wife, I would force my plan for the future to take shape, but as it is, I am only passive aggressively trying to take my path, my secretly hoping my husband fails at or loses his job or decides he is sick of the freezing weather and would prefer more access to the outdoors, like me.

Now the Christian perspective on the latter interpretation of our lives would be very negative and judgmental. How could I be so ungrateful for God's provision for our health and finances and family and how could I be so untrusting that he will someday make all my fantasies come true? In fact, maybe if I forced it to happen, as I suggested would be a solution to the second life interpretation, I would actually end up ruining the path he has planned for me, ultimately "straying from his will" (though I admit that many Christians do agree that it impossible to be outside of God's will, which only reinforces that I should force my plan, even if it means a lot of stress on my marriage and family because ultimately, God will fix what I have @#$%ed up anyway).

So therein lies the rub. And I can't seem to just adopt one interpretation and run with it, which would make everything much easier. I am stuck between the two, some days joyfully believing the first and other days being angrily convinced of the second. This is part of the curse of being raised Christianly, to be horribly negative yet again. Man, my armpits are sweating and I just took a shower, after that level of blasphemy. But then again, am I right and feeling unjustly guilty or am I in big trouble with God for having such a bad attitude about him? Or does he actually have mercy on me? Maybe neither of these paths are the real way, but there is something else I don't know about yet.