Hearing voices

1 Kings 19:11-13

The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by."

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"


I really don't know where this blog is going. On the one hand, if God exists, I am doing something really offensive and possibly even leading other people away from him with my horrible thoughts. If he doesn't, I still could be dissuading people from something that provides them a base of faith, while still not getting anywhere better personally. Because if I don't believe in God, I really don't know what other options I have.

Oh man, this is getting more and more difficult. Now I feel horrible guilt for doing this on top of everything else, when I actually thought it would help me resolve all my issues and finally draw near God again, whom I have felt great love for in the past.

Tonight I prayed that God would reveal himself to me if he (or she, I suppose) is real. I hate doing that, because it feels incredibly pompous and self-important of me. Why should he reveal himself to me anyway? How am I such a jerk or moron that I need that? And aren't there more important things for him to be doing, if he is real? Why should he pay attention to my prideful lack of belief that I am trying to capitalize on by writing this public blog? I don't know. We'll see what happens, though. And didn't Jesus say not to test him? Ahhh, this is going to drive me crazy. I thought by doing this I would quickly and automatically return to the comfortable faith I have always known.

Jesus, if you are real, forgive me for my disbelief and blasphemy, and help me to believe.

And then I remember all the contradictions...


Mark 9:24

Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"


But on the other hand, there is this...


Micah 3:4...

Then they will cry out to the LORD, but he will not answer them. At that time he will hide his face from them because of the evil they have done.


And of course...


Matthew 7:7

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.


And...


Psalm 46:10

Be still, and know that I am God.


I put that first segment of verses from 1 Kings up for no good reason, other than that I have always loved that idea of God showing up in a whisper, after all the dramatics had come and gone. That's the God I want to believe in. But I don't even know if I want to believe the God of the Bible, which I have been force-fed my whole life, and obviously defer to simply because it is stuck in my brain.

I want to put up a youtube clip that I keep thinking about, even though it doesn't seem to fit in with this post. But I am really trying to make this blog a purging of all my crazy thoughts rather than something solid and cohesive, so here goes: