1 Kings 19:11-13
The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"
I really don't know where this blog is going. On the one hand, if God exists, I am doing something really offensive and possibly even leading other people away from him with my horrible thoughts. If he doesn't, I still could be dissuading people from something that provides them a base of faith, while still not getting anywhere better personally. Because if I don't believe in God, I really don't know what other options I have.
Oh man, this is getting more and more difficult. Now I feel horrible guilt for doing this on top of everything else, when I actually thought it would help me resolve all my issues and finally draw near God again, whom I have felt great love for in the past.
Tonight I prayed that God would reveal himself to me if he (or she, I suppose) is real. I hate doing that, because it feels incredibly pompous and self-important of me. Why should he reveal himself to me anyway? How am I such a jerk or moron that I need that? And aren't there more important things for him to be doing, if he is real? Why should he pay attention to my prideful lack of belief that I am trying to capitalize on by writing this public blog? I don't know. We'll see what happens, though. And didn't Jesus say not to test him? Ahhh, this is going to drive me crazy. I thought by doing this I would quickly and automatically return to the comfortable faith I have always known.
Jesus, if you are real, forgive me for my disbelief and blasphemy, and help me to believe.
And then I remember all the contradictions...
Mark 9:24
Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
But on the other hand, there is this...
Micah 3:4...
Then they will cry out to the LORD, but he will not answer them. At that time he will hide his face from them because of the evil they have done.
And of course...
Matthew 7:7
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
And...
Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God.
I put that first segment of verses from 1 Kings up for no good reason, other than that I have always loved that idea of God showing up in a whisper, after all the dramatics had come and gone. That's the God I want to believe in. But I don't even know if I want to believe the God of the Bible, which I have been force-fed my whole life, and obviously defer to simply because it is stuck in my brain.
I want to put up a youtube clip that I keep thinking about, even though it doesn't seem to fit in with this post. But I am really trying to make this blog a purging of all my crazy thoughts rather than something solid and cohesive, so here goes:
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
WTF dude, WTF
Today I got to hear someone pretty much say that Obama is the antichrist. He mentioned seeing a newspaper he had read with the headline, "Obama: President of the World", which, in his mind, sealed the deal. And of course, this man is a friend of my family and a "good Christian." I don't want this blog to be a place for me to bash Christians, but it is really hard to feel passionate or even sympathetic towards a cultural faith that is tied to bigotry, segregation, and hate.
Clearly, other religions have sects that are also hateful, racist, and sexist. And obviously, the argument is, yet again, that I can't throw the baby out with the bath water. If I indeed believe in God and in Jesus, my work still isn't done. I need to figure out exactly what I believe about God and Jesus. I don't want to automatically join the ranks of protestant Christians seeking to evangelize the world. I just really don't know where I fit in.
I definitely don't belong in the sort of Christianity I was raised in, where everyone is a Republican, anyone who is not pro-life is a murderer, and everyone talks about God's call on their life all the time. On the other hand, I don't feel that comfortable in the church I currently attend, where any sort of intuitive perception anyone has about anyone else is interpreted as a word from God, members are encouraged to stand up and say or sing whatever they want at any moment, no matter how unfounded or disturbing, and minor physical changes are announced to be miraculous, stunning demonstrations of God answering our request for healing. I think I would most likely fit in in a Mennonite church, like the one I went to in college. It was pacifist and loving and simple and holistic.
What do I believe then? What are my faith values, I guess? I believe that it is our responsibility to take care of the beautiful planet God put us on (assuming God exists and he put us here). I believe we are supposed to love everyone, even people that are practically unlovable (like the guy who thinks Obama is the anti-christ). If God exists, I believe he does talk to people, perhaps in loud spoken word, but more likely, in everyday occurrences. I believe that God usually uses nature, biology, and humans to perform miracles, as opposed to big showy demonstrations. In fact, I have never heard of a big showy demonstrative sort of miracle that I could not somehow rationally explain. Okay, this is really going to offend people, but I really think God would be more a fan of Democratic ideals than Republican ones--not that he would necessarily want "big government" but that he would think it was important to share wealth and support the less fortunate, even if they are lazy, as some people think. I believe that Jesus, if he existed, was a "man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief." I don't know what the @#$% I think about the God of the Old Testament who killed huge amounts of people willy nilly. Actually, therein lies the age old problem. Why does God let babies die in buckets of their mother's vomit? What kind of @#$%ed-up universe is that? How do you move past @#$% like that?
Maybe that is the hardest thing for me. Injustice. How do we trust a supposedly just God who overlooks injustice? I know there are some crazy explanations people have for this stuff, but I do not think it possibly makes sense in my mind.
Clearly, other religions have sects that are also hateful, racist, and sexist. And obviously, the argument is, yet again, that I can't throw the baby out with the bath water. If I indeed believe in God and in Jesus, my work still isn't done. I need to figure out exactly what I believe about God and Jesus. I don't want to automatically join the ranks of protestant Christians seeking to evangelize the world. I just really don't know where I fit in.
I definitely don't belong in the sort of Christianity I was raised in, where everyone is a Republican, anyone who is not pro-life is a murderer, and everyone talks about God's call on their life all the time. On the other hand, I don't feel that comfortable in the church I currently attend, where any sort of intuitive perception anyone has about anyone else is interpreted as a word from God, members are encouraged to stand up and say or sing whatever they want at any moment, no matter how unfounded or disturbing, and minor physical changes are announced to be miraculous, stunning demonstrations of God answering our request for healing. I think I would most likely fit in in a Mennonite church, like the one I went to in college. It was pacifist and loving and simple and holistic.
What do I believe then? What are my faith values, I guess? I believe that it is our responsibility to take care of the beautiful planet God put us on (assuming God exists and he put us here). I believe we are supposed to love everyone, even people that are practically unlovable (like the guy who thinks Obama is the anti-christ). If God exists, I believe he does talk to people, perhaps in loud spoken word, but more likely, in everyday occurrences. I believe that God usually uses nature, biology, and humans to perform miracles, as opposed to big showy demonstrations. In fact, I have never heard of a big showy demonstrative sort of miracle that I could not somehow rationally explain. Okay, this is really going to offend people, but I really think God would be more a fan of Democratic ideals than Republican ones--not that he would necessarily want "big government" but that he would think it was important to share wealth and support the less fortunate, even if they are lazy, as some people think. I believe that Jesus, if he existed, was a "man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief." I don't know what the @#$% I think about the God of the Old Testament who killed huge amounts of people willy nilly. Actually, therein lies the age old problem. Why does God let babies die in buckets of their mother's vomit? What kind of @#$%ed-up universe is that? How do you move past @#$% like that?
Maybe that is the hardest thing for me. Injustice. How do we trust a supposedly just God who overlooks injustice? I know there are some crazy explanations people have for this stuff, but I do not think it possibly makes sense in my mind.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Mysteries
I am reading The Brothers K by David James Duncan which is the perfect book to be reading when you have grown up in an uber-Christian home but don't know what you think about it all. There was a great line in the part I read today: "Work out your own salvation in fear and trembling," which I can only assume is something from the Bible that I don't quite remember. I just googled it, and it is from Philippians 2:12. So there you go. Some encouragement straight from God himself to ask the questions you need to ask. So that is what I am going to try to do.
Today we visited my grandfather. He has been moved out from one of the local hospital's hospice units and back to the assisted living facility where he was housed before he became critically ill. Yesterday he slept the entire day and was entirely unresponsive, but today, after we awakened him, he was fully responsive. He smiled, kissed, and put his arm around my daughter. And she treated him with more lovingly and tenderly than I have ever seen her treat anyone or anything. She--a three-and-a-half-year-old, fed her great-grandfather jello spoonful by spoonful. And she understands that he is getting better. And after spending endless hours in his tiny, boring, undecorated room without any toys, she wants to stay on with him and not to go home. It is truly incredible.
So I am going to need to start dealing with and writing about these spiritual questions I have been encountering, and I think I need to attempt to summarize my faith thus far in order to make headway. I grew up in a very conservative Christian denomination. My parents and the other Christians I knew were passionate about their faith and determined to share it, but they were legalistic about many things (particularly activities like drinking, smoking, swearing, etc.) and did not look favorably on the more charismatic methods of expressing Christianity.
I now go to a church where the supernatural is highly emphasized. The congregation is convinced that God is moving among us, but all I can tell is that these people are definitely having powerful emotional and psychological experiences. This all came to a head when I thought I heard angels singing at a church service about six weeks ago.
Today we visited my grandfather. He has been moved out from one of the local hospital's hospice units and back to the assisted living facility where he was housed before he became critically ill. Yesterday he slept the entire day and was entirely unresponsive, but today, after we awakened him, he was fully responsive. He smiled, kissed, and put his arm around my daughter. And she treated him with more lovingly and tenderly than I have ever seen her treat anyone or anything. She--a three-and-a-half-year-old, fed her great-grandfather jello spoonful by spoonful. And she understands that he is getting better. And after spending endless hours in his tiny, boring, undecorated room without any toys, she wants to stay on with him and not to go home. It is truly incredible.
So I am going to need to start dealing with and writing about these spiritual questions I have been encountering, and I think I need to attempt to summarize my faith thus far in order to make headway. I grew up in a very conservative Christian denomination. My parents and the other Christians I knew were passionate about their faith and determined to share it, but they were legalistic about many things (particularly activities like drinking, smoking, swearing, etc.) and did not look favorably on the more charismatic methods of expressing Christianity.
I now go to a church where the supernatural is highly emphasized. The congregation is convinced that God is moving among us, but all I can tell is that these people are definitely having powerful emotional and psychological experiences. This all came to a head when I thought I heard angels singing at a church service about six weeks ago.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Mortality
So I determined to start this blog today, since it is, in fact, Ash Wednesday, in order to figure out what I think about God, who seems extremely distant. I don't have much to say at the moment since I have waited until the very last half-hour of Ash Wednesday possible to begin writing, and I am now entirely ready for bed, but I will give a brief outline of what I intend to do here.
I grew up in a conservative Christian Evangelical household. My parents were missionaries for fifteen years of my childhood. I went to a Christian college. I married a Christian. I have two small children. I now go to a charismatic Christian church... and I am beginning to realize slowly but surely that my entire conception of Christ and God could be socially and psychologically constructed. It may be surprising that I have not been forced to process this concept before now, but when you are taught from your earliest memories to believe in Jesus, you just don't question it. Perhaps the real reason I am questioning it now is because I am realizing that I have already begun the same process in my own children. My three-year-old daughter believes that Jesus exists. Just last week I overheard her yelling angrily at him for not helping her go potty.
For these reasons, I decided I really need to figure out what I think before she gets much older. Like I need to start now.
Adding to my Lenten experience is the fact that my grandfather is in the hospital dying. He is the first of my or my husband's grandparents to begin this process, and it is a bizarre experience, especially in the company of a curious three-year-old. It is forcing me to examine my life, my marriage, and what I value. For example, I am realizing that I do not want my marriage to look anything like my grandparents' in 55 years. It looks awful.
You can also imagine that watching my grandfather die is reinforcing my awareness of human mortality, which is what we heard about at the Ash Wednesday service I attended with my sister this morning. We are dust, and to dust we shall return.
I grew up in a conservative Christian Evangelical household. My parents were missionaries for fifteen years of my childhood. I went to a Christian college. I married a Christian. I have two small children. I now go to a charismatic Christian church... and I am beginning to realize slowly but surely that my entire conception of Christ and God could be socially and psychologically constructed. It may be surprising that I have not been forced to process this concept before now, but when you are taught from your earliest memories to believe in Jesus, you just don't question it. Perhaps the real reason I am questioning it now is because I am realizing that I have already begun the same process in my own children. My three-year-old daughter believes that Jesus exists. Just last week I overheard her yelling angrily at him for not helping her go potty.
For these reasons, I decided I really need to figure out what I think before she gets much older. Like I need to start now.
Adding to my Lenten experience is the fact that my grandfather is in the hospital dying. He is the first of my or my husband's grandparents to begin this process, and it is a bizarre experience, especially in the company of a curious three-year-old. It is forcing me to examine my life, my marriage, and what I value. For example, I am realizing that I do not want my marriage to look anything like my grandparents' in 55 years. It looks awful.
You can also imagine that watching my grandfather die is reinforcing my awareness of human mortality, which is what we heard about at the Ash Wednesday service I attended with my sister this morning. We are dust, and to dust we shall return.
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